Surprise!

I'm... down to 155.8 -- a loss of 3 pounds over the week. Which is quite the surprise, as yesterday morning I was still clocking in at 158, and I spent three days eating pizza and birthday cake in not-insignificant quantities. Though as I've noted before, my scale is not in its right mind. The Wii had noticed some downward trending, too, though, so I guess it's genuine. That knocks me firmly past a grand total loss of 115 (to 117.2, precisely).

I have trouble celebrating it, though, because I'm not entirely sure what I did to deserve it.

One item I'm proud of, though: Sunday, I was at a mall with a friend, and we stopped at the food court for lunch. I'd figured on going to Chick-fil-A, because they have some reasonable options, but had forgotten that Chick-fil-A doesn't operate on Sundays. So we wandered around to try to figure out what else to get, and I eventually found myself drawn to the Japanese food place.

I was pondering the chicken teriyaki and wondering if they would let me substitute miso soup for the fried rice (because I love fried rice, and if I got it, I would certainly have eaten entirely too much of it) when my eye was caught by some fresh fruit in the display case. And my body said Oh, hell yes.

I ended up with a bowl of miso soup and a big container of fruit for lunch. Not because I was trying to be on-plan, particularly, but because it looked so damn good. And it was good. It was amazing, actually. I even ate the cantaloupe, and I don't even usually like cantaloupe.

Apparently, my body was telling me I needed fruit. Apparently, I was able to hear it, and apparently, I listened.

This is a big deal, for me. I'm really bad at hearing what my body wants to tell me. But somehow, I did it this time.

Now that... That, I'm proud of.

Little Off The Top

I lost 0.6 this week, which nudges me just past where I was before I went on vacation, to 158.2. If that .2 had fallen off, I could officially say that I've lost a total of 115 pounds, but oh well. I'm actually surprised that I lost at all, because I wound up eating out quite a lot last week, and did not meet any of my exercise goals.

I'm trying to be good this week so I can indulge this weekend. It's my daughter's birthday tomorrow, and the party is Saturday, plus a book I wrote is being released, so I've got a lot of fun stuff planned for this weekend, and a fair amount of it involves wonderful, delicious, really quite bad for me food.

But! But! But! I was in dire need of a t-back bra to wear with a dress, and I just happened to be passing by a Victoria's Secret, so I thought -- why not? I went in, and not only did they have exactly the bra I needed, in my size, and in the color I needed -- but it was incredibly comfortable. I mean, weirdly comfortable. Bras are not, in my experience (many years of it, because I was a C cup by the 7th grade), ever actually comfortable. I was insanely excited about that bra for days after I bought it. I haven't been able to shop at Victoria's Secret since early college -- and now I can't wait to go back, slightly expensive or not!

Up Again

Up again this week about half a pound, so I'm up to 161.4.

I ought to feel disappointed or something, but I'm really not. Mostly, I think, because I'm not seeing a lot in the mirror that simply losing weight will fix, anymore. Which is not to say that I like everything I see, of course, but it's not as simple as, "Yuck, I'm fat!" any more.

Matt took this picture of me a few weeks ago, and my reaction was actually, "Oh, holy crap, I'm looking bony!" When I look in the mirror before I step into the shower, that reaction is basically confirmed -- my collarbones stand out, and I can see the bones on my chest shifting. Which I've always thought looked slightly gross. My cheeks and jowls are slightly fleshy, left over from being fat, but my neck and chest, which don't have a lot of excess skin, are verging on too thin for my tastes.

The excess skin on my arms and legs is definitely gross -- I've been doing a lot of selective cropping on my summer swim pictures, let me tell you -- but losing more weight will not make my skin tighter. It will, in fact, have the opposite effect. The only things that can make my skin tight again are a) time (lots of it), and b) surgery that I can't afford. I'm going to have to reconcile myself to that, I suspect.

My hips and abdomen are bigger than I'd like -- but that's more to do with my overall body shape than mere fat. I can remember hating that my hips were wider than my chest, and the way my abdomen pooched out, back in high school, when I weighed 135. (And let's be honest: I've carried two babies in that abdomen and delivered them with those hips. My baby-factory region is not going to ever look like it did in high school.)

And balancing all that... Turning sideways in the mirror is a pleasant surprise -- my behind is smaller than it's ever been, I think. I can actually make out muscles in my arms, when the loose skin isn't in the way. Even if it's wider on the bottom than the top, I've got hourglass curves again. (My secret guilty pleasure: when I leave the daycare in the morning, the sun casts my shadow on the sidewalk in front of me, and I love to watch my hips sway when I walk back to the car.) I'm in pretty good shape for a woman who's closing in on 40 (especially considering that when I was 35, I was closing in on 300 pounds).


So a half-pound gain this week doesn't really bother me that much. I need to exercise some discipline again to keep it from going up three weeks in a row, but I'm beginning to wonder if "around 160" is where I need to stay, at least for a while.

And Up Again

That pound I lost last week? It came back. No question as to why, either: grilled fajitas with friends on Saturday, followed by Father's Day ice cream and BLTs, corn on the cob, watermelon, and more ice cream on Sunday. And then Rock Band Night Monday.

I don't think any one of them would have hurt me too bad, but put all together... yeah, I'm back up a bit.

And you know what? It was totally worth it. Summer is the best time for good food. Grilled chicken and peppers and onions, farmer's market tomatoes and corn and watermelon... You damn well better believe I went back for seconds!

So I'm back up over 160, a bit, but I'm not sweating it. I didn't gain it by slipping back into old bad habits, covertly snarfing doughnuts and candy bars in the office kitchen. I gained it eating good food with good friends and having a good time, and I'm confident I'll lose it again. No regrets.

(Is this how normal people feel about food? I could get used to it.)

...Or It Didn't Happen!

Poor Matt; I made him go through something like three separate rounds of taking photos of me this morning. The first round, the camera was set up for full sunlight, so the pics turned out too dark; the second set, he only took pics from my waist up (and while I think those look better -- damn my child-birthin' hips! -- they're not so good for comparisons); and finally, the third set, I got some usable shots. Whew, and thanks, hon!

Here's my starting picture, almost exactly two years ago (I'm the one holding the baby):

And here I am now:

And just for fun, here's the whole spread of baby-holding pictures, each taken almost exactly a year apart:

The kid keeps getting bigger, and I keep getting smaller! (Though I have to say, the 40-pound difference between '09 and '10 is significantly less noticeable than the 70-pound difference between '08 and '09 -- more than the extra 30 pounds should make, really. Maybe it's an illusion caused by the angles of the shots and positioning of the kid's leg.)

Creep Creep Creep

I forgot to post last week: I'd gained a pound. It wasn't unexpected, as I'd kind of splurged with eating out for several days in a row.

This week, I'm back down to 163.2, so my net loss over two weeks was 0.8 pounds. Guess I can't complain too much. And aside from a birthday party this weekend, I don't think I've got any other big splurge occasions for a while, so hopefully I'll be able to stay on track for a bit. I'd really like to be below 160 in time for the Summer Bash in July. (That's 3.5 pounds to lose in about 7 weeks. Given that my rate of loss lately is hovering around half a pound a week... it's possible. If I can manage to stay on plan.)

I'm kind of wondering if I should set my "final" goal at around 155. I have a whole lot of extra skin sitting around these days, left over from being enormously fat and then fat and pregnant. I have a horrible case of granny-arms, and when I stand up, the extra skin from my hips and thighs falls down and bunches up around my knees, which is making me almost more self-conscious about wearing shorts than I was when I was merely fat. If I could afford to have all that excess skin surgically removed, I'd be willing to bet it would drop me by a solid 10-15 pounds. At least. (Also, it might move my boobs back up to my chest from my waist.) Alas, it's not a health hazard and I'm not wealthy, so surgery isn't really an option. And I'm old enough that my skin isn't as elastic as it used to be, and I don't think I can expect it to tighten up very much on its own. So I need to take that 10-15 extra pounds into account when I decide on my final weight.

Counting in favor of that option, by the way, is another sign of progress:  I can actually put my old high school class ring on again. (Yes, I still have it.) In fact, I can even put it on the finger it was originally measured for, though it's a snug fit and I wouldn't want to do any exercising or go out in hot weather with it. But I can get it on and off again. Which is pretty cool.

Anyway, we'll see. As slow as I'm losing these days, I've got plenty of time to decide.

Turnaround

Two years ago, when I was doing the annual benefits re-up, I thought that since I had two kids now, maybe I should sign up for some extra life insurance. There's a base minimum -- no matter what, my family gets one year's salary if I die -- but I can opt in for more than that. I went with the lowest level, to make it a grand total of two years' worth.

Because this was opt-in rather than the required base minimum, I had to submit a medical form. I didn't think anything of it, really... until they turned me down and denied the life insurance extension.

They were explicit about the reason: morbid obesity. It was a sticking point, an eye-opener, and one of the many reasons I started getting serious about getting exercise and losing weight.

Today, I got another letter from the company's life insurance carrier. This time, it was to tell me that this year's request for additional life insurance has been approved.

Of all the triumphs I've had since this whole thing started, it seems odd that this one should feel so huge. But it does, and so here we are.

A Revelation

Yeah, so, there was Easter and Easter candy, and then there was being on vacation and eating at tourist spots and being betrayed by my usually health-nut hostess who set out chips and salsa for us and made decadent desserts, and then there was an anniversary dinner with my husband which started with foie gras on hazelnut toast and did not get much healthier from there, so while official weigh-in isn't until tomorrow, I'm pretty sure I gained a solid 3 or 4 pounds over the last two weeks. I'm braced for it and trying to get back on the wagon.

It's a reminder that, however well I've done, the bad habits and attitudes that made me fat in the first place are still lurking just under the surface -- and that, like any proper monsters, feeding them makes them stronger. It's a lesson that I need to keep in mind

But that's not what this post is.

This post is because I really, really, really missed being able to go to the gym while I was on vacation. I was looking forward to it yesterday when I remembered I had a doctor's appointment that was likely to eat up my usual hour-ish of break time that I use for going to the gym. It was just a checkup, though, so I thought maybe if the doctor only took half an hour, I could squeeze the gym in anyway.

Alas, the doctor took over two hours, exceeding my break time rather excessively, and I did not get to the gym and having to burn an hour or so of vacation time while I was at it. I was a bit surly about it.

So I went today. And I dove in with all the enthusiasm of a starving man at an all-you-can-eat buffet, to make a really inappropriate simile. Sometimes I glance over the edge of my book at the countdown clock and groan at how slow it seems to be going, but today seemed to fly by. I usually sustain a speed of about 3.6 on the elliptical; today I kept it up around 4.0, according to the end-of-workout summary, and I hadn't even felt like I was pushing that hard. When I moved around to the weightlifting side of the room, the weights felt lighter, and I even bumped up my settings on a couple of them, and did an extra round of sit-ups, just because the ache felt good.

...

Forget being able to see my cheekbones again. Forget a figure in the mirror that I haven't seen since college, and the matching number on the scale, likewise. Forget a whole wardrobe full of new clothes, and my doctors and family and friends raving about how great I look.

This. This is what balances the monsters lurking under my skin and waiting for me to make a mistake. This is what makes me know I've actually changed over the last eighteen months or so, because two years ago I would never have even thought about saying, "Oh, thank god I'll be able to get to the gym today," much less, "Wow, that burn feels great! I think I'll do some more sit-ups!" Even a year ago, I figured I'd always hate exercising, just like I always have, and that it was just something I would suck up and endure because it was better than the alternative.

Change happens, even when you don't see it coming.

Steady As She Goes

My weigh-in this morning was the same as last week's weigh-in: 165. Given how horribly I ate this weekend and Monday night (Chik-fil-A and Mexican fajitas -- including half a basket of chips -- and like 4 "servings" of Whoppers candy), I'm actually sort of relieved that I didn't gain.

And in Signs of Progress, I bought some new pants this weekend - size S. Holy cow! To be fair, they're from Target, and I've found Target clothes to run a bit on the large side, and these may be a little loose even for Target, so I'm still in M pretty much everywhere else. Whatever the vicissitudes of my actual weight, I guess the targeted toning I've been doing at the gym is finally starting to pay off!

I won't have a weigh-in next week, because I'll be out of town. But we'll be staying with extremely health-conscious relatives and doing the tourist thing with the kids in tow, so I hope I won't be falling off the wagon too badly. Maybe if I'm lucky, it'll even burn off a little Easter candy!

WTH

The Wii Fit tells me that I've gained three pounds in the last four days, undoing two or three weeks' worth of progress.

But I bought some jeans a couple of weeks ago that I could zip up but not sit down in, and as of this morning, I can, in fact, both zip them up and sit down. They're not the comfiest pair of pants I own, but I'm wearing them and expect to make it through the day just fine.

What. The. Hell.

(Oh yeah, and this weekend? Valentine's party. For which I've already made cupcakes. I don't expect next week's weigh-in to be anything like happy.)

Signposts and Markers

Back in November, before the holidays closed in, I crossed the threshold on my fourth 10% goal, and at the time, I noted that I was awfully close to a few other major milestones, so I was going to hold off on celebrating that signpost until I'd lost another five pounds.

Then the holidays hit, and I more or less went into a holding pattern for the next six weeks. Which is okay. I'd given myself permission to do that. I'm pretty proud, in fact, that I managed to restrain myself as much as I did. But now I'm back on track and trying to get back on the wagon, and it hasn't been remotely like easy, but I'm (mostly) doing it.

And I've been rewarded for it. This morning's weigh-in put me at 172.8. That's 1.6 for the week, and more importantly, a grand total loss of 100.2 pounds. And the Wii Fit has been reporting for several weeks now that I've dropped below the line that separates "obese" from merely "overweight".

So I passed my fourth 10% goal.

And I'm not obese any more.

And I've lost. One. Hundred. Pounds.

Do you know what difference one hundred pounds makes?

Here I am, a year and a half ago (I'm the one with the baby, though it's worth mentioning that everyone else in that picture has been on Weight Watchers since then, too, and has made similarly impressive progress):


...and here I am now:

I'm not even sure someone who hadn't known me for the last two years would be able to recognize me. I still own that t-shirt I'm wearing in the top picture, because it was one of my favorites and I can't bring myself to throw it away -- but it hangs down nearly to my knees like some kind of bizarre minidress. I'm wearing about half size M clothes, and the Ls I'm wearing are almost exclusively because my boobs are DD cups and just don't squeeze into some M cuts. (Which is absurd. I've lost 100 pounds, and my boobs have only gone down one cup size? The husband isn't complaining, natch, but y'know, I'd be okay with a regular D cup, I really would.) I own a pair of size 12 jeans, and they don't even give me a muffin-top (well, not much, anyway).

Mind you, I'm not by any means done. I've got another 30 or 40 pounds to go. (If I lose another 36.4 pounds, I'll be able to say I'm less than half the woman I was -- but that would put me right at about the weight I was in high school, and after 2 babies and with these DD cups, I don't know how feasible that really is. On the other hand, my starting point for this diet is actually not the heaviest I've ever been, so I expect I'll eventually be able to say that anyway.)

But I've made it, over the last 15 months, to these three milestones, and I think it's time to celebrate, and celebrate BIG. I'm still pondering what my celebration/reward should be, but I've got a few notions. Anyone want to offer up any suggestions?

Chugging Along

Didn't post yesterday because I didn't have my little chart with me. But here it is: I'm down to 183.2 pounds, which is just 0.2 away from reaching the "90 pounds lost" milestone. That's 2.2 for the week -- unless you take into account the inexplicable, 1-day-only uptick I had last week on Wednesday. If you assume I was actually at 185 last week, then this was a 1.8 loss. Either way, pretty darned good, for lately.

I'm trying to remember to eat my activity points, either the day I earn them or the day after. I didn't quite manage it last week, mostly because work was doing this crazy thing where I was working absurd hours (no, really -- I went into the office at 10AM Sunday and didn't leave until 3:30 Monday morning) and it completely threw my eating out of joint. I'm actually really proud of myself for sticking to the diet through all that and not diving headfirst into the pizza and Chinese food that was being offered around.

So I really don't know whether it was the stress or the eating of APs or the screwed up sleep or what that helped me along. We'll see what happens, I suppose.

Did I mention that my brand new size 40-D bras are all on their tightest hooks, already? It's snug, but it's there. Which means it's about time for me to order some 38s. The "D" portion is still a bit in question -- I have to moosh things around to get everything to fit in the cups right, so I'm about half-pondering ordering 38-DDs instead of 38Ds. But I'm excited that I can see the end of the 40s.

It's worth noting that I was a 36C in high school, and a 38C in college -- and given the way boobs change for pregnancy and then don't change back, 38D may be the smallest chest size I can hope for. It's also worth noting that it's exclusively my chest that's keeping me from moving solidly into size Medium clothes -- when Ms don't fit, it's because they pull awkwardly across my boobs. Another couple of inches will probably get me into Ms for good, but if I'm giving up hope of a C cup, I might also have to give up hope of ever getting into a Small.

(Given that I started out at a 3X, though... I can live with M. Y'know?)

Danger Zone approaching. Hallowe'en looms! But aside from the caramel candy corn (which I'd happily eat by the pound), I'm not too terribly tempted, this year. If candy gets put in front of me, I'd certainly eat it (let's be honest) but I'm not eying the fun-sized chocolates and nerds and laffy taffy up on top of our fridge with unbridled longing, like I was last year. I think I'll be okay with 2-3 pieces on Hallowe'en night, and then making sure the rest all gets passed out to the neighborhood kids.

Matt and I talked about my birthday, and I suggested that I make my own cake/cupcakes/whatever -- that way I can both pick a lower-point option and have more confidence in my serving sizes. Of course, that means I need to start researching my options.

The weekend after my birthday, I'm taking a trip to Atlanta, so that will probably interfere with my diet a bit, but the family I'm staying with is extremely health-conscious, so it should only be a real problem on the travel days (airport food, whee) and if we're eating at the zoo or aquarium or other tourist-y places with standard junk food fare.

Clawing My Way

Pff. I dropped to 185 Friday morning, spent the rest of the week there, and then -- naturally! -- popped up to 185.4 this morning, so officially I only lost 0.6 pounds last week, 87.6 total.

At least it's not another maintain. I missed a workout this week, and ate out twice on Saturday, and had chocolate cake last night (which might account for this morning's bump up, actually -- concentrated sugar makes me retain water for a bit).

The fact that Saturday's indulgences on top of Friday's lack of exercise didn't affect my weight does make me wonder if it's time for me to start playing around with, oddly, eating a little bit more. Specifically: I wonder if I ought to start eating my Activity Points, within, say, 24 hours of earning them. It's not like I rack up a lot of them; usually 3 points at a time. That's an apple and a half-cup of milk. Or a yogurt and a couple of crackers. Or two slices of low-fat cheese. (I've been craving dairy lately; can you tell? Might need to step up the calcium intake a bit.) Also, I should buy some more fruit and snack healthier when I'm trying to use up points to get to my minimum for the day. Jello sugar-free mousse cups are very tasty (2.5 points for 2 cups!) but possibly not quite in the spirit of the law, as it were.

Other signs of progress, though: I finally got around to ordering new bras. The 40D fits! I'm down to a D cup! (Though it's a bit of a squeeze, so I might have to go back up to a DD for certain styles.) The 40 part is definitely not a squeeze, though. Fresh out of the packaging, all three bras fit comfortably on the middle set of hooks, and two of them fit (snugly) on the tightest set. I might have waited a little too long to order those, hehe.

I tried on the too-tight Medium shirts with the new bras, and it no longer looks completely ridiculous, though I'm still not quite ready for them, yet. (Which means I still need to buy a few more long-sleeved shirts for the fall/winter. Even with my heater running, my office is freezing half the time.)

Any way, I'm not backsliding, but I really need to get a grip and start paying closer attention. The Danger Zone is only two weeks away: Hallowe'en, my birthday, Thanksgiving, Matt's birthday, and then the whole Christmas season... I need to set goals and plan strategies and stick to it!

One Year Later

On October 8, 2008, I joined Weight Watchers Online. Mostly because I'd been goaded to by my therapist, and also because I was tired of feeling left out by all my friends who were doing WW.

I didn't take a "before" shot. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I expected it to be a depressingly long time before I'd be able to see a difference. But this picture was taken about two months before I joined, and I can pretty much guarantee I didn't lose any weight between this picture and when I joined.


Six months later, I was closing in on 50 pounds lost, and even I could see the difference.

At the nine month mark, I was down nearly 75 pounds.

And now, it's been a full 52 weeks. I've lost a year, I've lost the therapist (she wasn't that much help anyway), and most of all, I've lost more than 85 pounds.

I can't see much difference between the last two pictures. Part of that is the difference between summer and winter clothes, and part of it is that there's only about 15 pounds of difference there -- I've slowed down a lot, the last few months. But just for reference, the summer clothes are a size L, and the fall clothes are a size M. I can't wear every M I try on, yet, but I'm getting there.



As of this morning, I weigh 186 (no change this week). Which means that over the last year, I've lost 87 pounds.

My two kids together weigh less than that. That's nearly eleven full jugs of milk (11 gallons, less one pint, to be precise). And I used to carry it around with me, all the time.

Not losing is irritating when I've been feeling deprived all week anyway. This crawling pace I've suddenly dropped to can be frustrating, even disheartening. At least it's crawling in the right direction. But I'll be frustrated another day. Today, it's time to pause and celebrate just how far I've come.

I'm not done yet -- I'm still technically obese, according to the BMI charts, in fact. But I think I'm allowed, just this once, to pause and pat myself on the back. And to be impressed that I can reach my own back again. And cross my legs. And squat down to pick up my son. And a dozen other things that, one year ago, I couldn't even consider.

Happy diet-versary, me. Here's to another year of being a loser.

Dooby Down

Weighed in at 187.2 this morning -- that's 2.2 lost this week, nudging my total over 85. Which feels a little weird, because I honestly don't think I did anything much different this week from last. Stupid scale, phase of the moon, moisture in the air, blah blah blah. (I ought to be jumping with excitement, but it's just not that kind of day, for reasons having nothing whatever to do with dieting.)

I feel smaller this week, though. Last week, I was thinking I should probably get around to ordering some new bras soonish, as all mine are on their tightest hooks. This week, I'm thinking I need to hurry up and get on with it, because they're feeling loose and not terribly supportive. Maybe last week's smaller loss was accompanied by some internal shifting-and-tightening that's only now making itself felt.

And speaking of progress: It's impressive enough to have lost 85 pounds since I started this diet, but I've been heavier, and this is really close to being an unofficial milestone for me: When I got pregnant with Penny, I weighed 285 pounds. Which means that right now, I'm nearly 100 pounds lighter than I was about seven years ago. That's pretty cool, I have to admit.

Shrinking

Weigh-in was yesterday: 189.4 means 0.6 lost last week, and 83.6 total. Not fantastic, but after the taco-and-chips fest this weekend, I'll take any loss and call it a victory.

I'm about 10 pounds from my fourth 10% goal (and maybe 15 from finally dropping out of the "obese" BMI category and into merely "overweight"), though given how much my loss has slowed, I'm thinking it may take me to the end of the year to get there.

Which is fine, really, since I think the last time I reviewed my loss goals, I'd been hoping to get to my third 10% goal by the end of this year. I should probably re-consider those, but I'm kind of saving it for a few weeks from now, for my one-year diet anniversary. Dietversary? Whatever.

Also, a mild dilemma: This loss pinged the WW website into dropping another daily point from my minimum. I'm now at 24 points a day, and I need to figure something out. If you estimate a point as about 50 calories (give or take, depending on fat and fiber, but that's a reasonable rule of thumb) then I'm right on the cusp of the rule I heard in college, which was that no diet should ever drop you below 1200 calories a day. Anyone else ever heard that rule? Anyway, I'd been having my best and steadiest success with losing when I was eating about 25-26 points a day -- but at the time, that was also a good 2-3 points a day less that my daily minimum. So was it eating under minimum that was making me lose weight, or is it just that 25-26 points is about the right amount of calories for my metabolism to burn at optimum efficiency? Because starting now, eating 25ish points a day is going to be cutting into my weekly points, which I almost never actually do. And when I do, it usually shows... but those tend to be splurges or screw-ups rather than a steady 1-2 points a day, so I don't know how much difference it makes.

So I'm waffling about whether I should be eating 23-24 points a day, or 25-26. Which is only maybe 100-150 calories' difference (ish), but... bleh. I just don't know.

Anyway, I could've posted this yesterday morning, even though I was taking a vacation day (to clean house -- I surely got my APs in for the day!) but then I wouldn't have been able to wrap it up with this bit of triumph: Among other errands, I dropped by Old Navy to try to find some fall shirts, because everything with long sleeves in my closet is from last year and almost 85 pounds ago. And I grabbed a few cute things, still reveling in that simple, unadorned "L" tag... and one of the shirts was positively baggy, so just on a whim, I tried it in a "M". (I am, after all, hoping to lose more weight, and it would be nice if my fall-weight shirts were also available to be worn if we have a warm snap in the winter, or even in the spring.)

And whaddya know -- it fit! It wasn't even stretched tight over my chest. Granted, it was a loose-fitting style. So out of curiosity, I tried on some of the other styles in a M as well, just to see.

And only one style actually looked better on me as a L than a M (and at that, more because I liked it a bit on the baggy side rather than skin-tight). I came home with one size L shirt... and four glorious Ms!

Resuming

Today's weigh in: 190.0, which is down 2.6 from last week, for a grand total of 83 pounds lost. This despite my having not one but two fairly large pieces of cake this weekend (I did count those points, though!) and only going to the gym once during the week.

Obviously, the path to my success is to eat more cake and exercise less!

Nah, I don't really believe that. I suspect it has something to do with my tightening up control on the random grazing and the nighttime snacks. And possibly also to do with the fact that my scale is crap.

Though taking most of a week off from exercising might have turned out to be a good idea for other reasons: when I finally got back to the gym yesterday, I thought I'd try running the elliptical backwards a little bit, because it's a nice litmus test for my knee. Usually, I get all of about three revolutions done before I start getting a screaming, tearing sensation under my kneecap. Yesterday -- not even a twinge. So I did a whole 2 minutes backwards, which doesn't sound like much but trust me, if you'd felt the pain I was having, you'd want to be cautious about encountering it again, too. And the whole time, the worst I got out of it was a little twinge. Even more tellingly, it doesn't hurt today, either. So maybe a week of rest helped it finally finish healing? It's not a totally preposterous notion.

At any rate, I hope this means I'm over the little diet-slump (can't quite call it a plateau, but it sure was flatter than I like!) I've been on for the last few weeks.

I Am That Woman

When I started out on this diet, it was in secret. Thus the blog title, which I still like, even though it's not a secret any more.

That lasted for maybe three weeks before I had one of those moments of triumph that I just had to share with someone... So in strictest confidence, I told my friend Karen. And like opening a floodgate in a dam, I found myself running for her whenever I had something I wanted to say about the diet, good or bad.

I remember one such observation very clearly. I don't remember how the subject came up, but I confessed to her that one of the things that terrified me about losing weight -- and subsequently, losing points -- was that I'd have to deprive myself on a daily basis in order to maintain a "healthy" body. I brought up my mother-in-law as an example, because the last time she'd visited us (which had been about a month before I started the diet) I had watched her have a breakfast of black coffee and a lunch consisting of a single 4-oz cup of (light!) yogurt, and an admittedly normal-to-large dinner... But it terrified me. Was I going to be confined to snacks for my meals, or else sacrifice two meals to get one decent one?

She came to town last week for a visit. (She comes every year for a few days, somewhere in the vicinity of my daughter's birthday.) I don't know what she ate for breakfast and lunch, because this year her visit was during the work week, so I wasn't around. But she was very complimentary of the meals I cooked, which was nice.

We hadn't planned ahead, though, and I wasn't sure if she would suggest, one day, that we go out to eat. So to be on the safe side and make sure I had the points for it, I cut back on my breakfast and lunch. (I don't mind doing that occasionally -- it was the notion of having to do it daily that freaked me out.) I had a 6-oz cup of light yogurt for breakfast, and a can of light soup that worked out to 1 point, along with about half a point's worth of tomatoes and cucumbers with a little balsamic vinegar for lunch. Three and a half points, total.

The breakfast -- the yogurt cup -- was... surprisingly satisfying. I'd expected to be hungry all morning, but I wasn't. I wasn't full, by any stretch, but I wasn't clutching my stomach and watching the clock for the earliest possible moment I could eat lunch, either.

(My weight actually popped up a tiny bit, the next day, because it turned out that we didn't go out to eat after all, and I ended up eating a huge snack before bed to make up some of the extra points. Oddly, I didn't panic at the minor increase. I knew where it had come from, and I knew it would go away in a day or so. And it did.)

I did it again, over the weekend, when I knew I had a heavy lunch planned on Saturday. Same result: No gnawing hunger.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are usually my yogurt-and-oatmeal breakfasts. Monday night, as I was packing my stuff for Tuesday, I looked at my yogurt cup, and wondered: should I drop the oatmeal for good? Just a yogurt? Am I that woman, now, inconceivable as the notion was less than a year ago? I packed the oatmeal anyway, and told myself I'd hold off on it. If I got hungry, I wouldn't deprive myself -- I'd have it as a late-morning snack.

I ate the yogurt (and learned that I like Yoplait's key lime pie yogurt better than Breyer's) and went on to my work. It was even a slow morning, work-wise, which tends to lead me into trouble with the diet.

I didn't get hungry.

My 11:00 meeting was canceled, so I took care of a few minor things, then changed and went to the gym a bit early. I got back to my office a little after 1:00, hungry but not famished, pretty much like I always feel after a lunchtime trip to the gym. I ate my lunch and went on to have a normal day, diet-wise. Skipping the oatmeal even let me have a little dessert after dinner.

Apparently, I am that woman.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. Part of me feels proud and excited that I've come so far and changed so much. But part of me wants to cling to the terror: just a yogurt? How is that possibly enough food to keep me going for four hours? I can't tell if that part of me has a valid point, or if it's just a remnant of the 3X me. Am I going crazy, or going sane?

Whatever. Despite the late-night snacking and the big lunch and everything... I lost 1.2 pounds this week, putting me at 193.4 -- that's 79.6 pounds lost, total.

Steady March

A 1.4 pound loss this week (194.6 - total loss of 78.4 pounds). That's the fourth week in a row that I've had a loss of approximately a pound and a half; my little spreadsheet chart looks very neat and orderly for these last few weeks. I don't know if my weight loss has actually evened out, or if it's just that I've been stepping on the scale more often, the last few weeks, so it's stopped pulling its stupid "don't change for two weeks and then suddenly report a three-pound drop" trick. (It does still tend to say the same thing for 4-6 days and then suddenly show the pound and a half drop. Stupid scale.)

I'm continuing to notice external signs of shrinkage, though. I can actually see my wrist bone again! And my 42-band bras are on their second or third set of hooks (depending on which bra it is and whether it's fresh out of the laundry) so it won't be too long until I'm in need of more bras. (Though I still appear to be a DD cup. Don't get me wrong, I like having nice curves, but I wouldn't mind dropping to a D! Any time now.)

And my size XL shorts that I bought expecting them to last the rest of the summer are... not unwearable, but definitely a bit loose. Which is surprising, as my hips/butt/thigh region is usually a size bigger than the rest of me, and I was expecting to stay in XL pants into the fall. I guess we'll see. (On the other hand, the size L stuff I picked up from Sam's Club is way too snug, and I'll have to wait a while before I can reasonably squash into it. No more buying clothes without trying them on!)

Two more ladies in my office have joined Weight Watchers, and one more is planning to join in the fall, after her baby arrives. They're all serial dieters who've been on the program before, though, so I didn't have that proprietary, "Did I do this?" reaction. But it'll still be nice to have some more people to swap tips and recipes with. (This is the social benefit that one is supposed to get out of going to the meetings, but that never quite worked out for me.)

Photographic Evidence

So I'm not quite to my third 10% goal yet -- I'm about a pound and a half away, but that's close enough that I don't think you could tell the difference on casual examination.

Also, it's been just about exactly a year since the picture was taken that I'm using for my "before" shot (it was another few months before I actually went on the diet, so I haven't been on the diet for a full year). And we had another picnic. So... Time for a progress picture. Why not?

Here's the before:


And here's the now:


That's what almost 75 pounds looks like.

I confess to being in love with this picture. I'm not just thinner, I'm... (despite the Ugliest Shoes In The World and having another 50-60 pounds left to go) actually... kind of hot.

Huhn.